1
00:00:02,819 --> 00:00:04,560
Here's a weird one for you.

2
00:00:04,880 --> 00:00:10,280
Poetic athlete seeks athletic poetess
for high jinks on the high wire with no

3
00:00:10,280 --> 00:00:11,280
safety net.

4
00:00:11,700 --> 00:00:13,740
Married man seeks bit on the side.

5
00:00:14,680 --> 00:00:20,340
What about six foot four rugged Porsche
owning businessman seeks fun loving soul

6
00:00:20,340 --> 00:00:21,720
mate for discreet pleasure.

7
00:00:22,400 --> 00:00:24,920
Another married man seeks bit on the
side.

8
00:00:25,760 --> 00:00:27,280
Let's face it Trace.

9
00:00:27,710 --> 00:00:31,030
You ain't going to find many eligible
millionaires advertising in the Chigwell

10
00:00:31,030 --> 00:00:32,030
shopper, are you?

11
00:00:32,310 --> 00:00:33,310
Suppose not.

12
00:00:34,310 --> 00:00:35,930
I wrote to one of their meds once.

13
00:00:36,410 --> 00:00:42,090
It said, Arnold Schwarzenegger look
-alike stockbroker wants a yuppie sex

14
00:00:42,090 --> 00:00:46,390
goddess for a little bit of insider
dealing on the stock market floor.

15
00:00:46,750 --> 00:00:48,350
You're no yuppie sex goddess.

16
00:00:48,770 --> 00:00:51,330
And he was no Arnold Schwarzenegger look
-alike either.

17
00:00:51,730 --> 00:00:54,630
No? No, it was Chris. Looking for a bit
on the side.

18
00:00:55,570 --> 00:00:56,610
Bloody liberty.

19
00:00:57,110 --> 00:01:01,570
A married man advertising like that.
Well, you answered it and you were

20
00:01:02,330 --> 00:01:03,330
Well, only to Chris.

21
00:01:04,150 --> 00:01:07,530
Must have cost him a few bob, though. I
mean, Arnold Schwarzenegger's got to

22
00:01:07,530 --> 00:01:08,530
take up two lines.

23
00:01:09,090 --> 00:01:10,230
No, it didn't cost him nothing.

24
00:01:10,450 --> 00:01:12,350
He knew the bird on the classified AIDS
desk.

25
00:01:12,690 --> 00:01:13,910
Oh, and she gave him a free one.

26
00:01:16,170 --> 00:01:20,190
You're filthy, you are. Comes from
living with you for too long. Anyway, I

27
00:01:20,190 --> 00:01:22,010
know why he bothered with all these
lonely arts heads.

28
00:01:22,730 --> 00:01:23,730
You never know, do you?

29
00:01:24,550 --> 00:01:31,250
Here. Tall, handsome, blonde,
international playboy seeks 33

30
00:01:31,250 --> 00:01:33,750
-year -old Cockney cafe owner called
Sharon.

31
00:01:34,530 --> 00:01:35,530
Idiot.

32
00:01:36,470 --> 00:01:37,850
Oh, this sounds interesting.

33
00:01:38,510 --> 00:01:42,110
Stuck between veterinary surgeons and
waste disposal experts.

34
00:01:42,490 --> 00:01:46,310
What is it? A video dating agency called
Love Match. Listen.

35
00:01:47,010 --> 00:01:49,130
Special introductory offer.

36
00:01:49,800 --> 00:01:51,860
Ten men for 45 quid.

37
00:01:52,980 --> 00:01:54,820
Sounds like a mail order catalogue.

38
00:01:55,180 --> 00:01:58,640
Yeah, but I bet you don't have to wait
28 days for the goods to come.

39
00:02:00,220 --> 00:02:01,420
I bet I'll give it a go.

40
00:02:01,700 --> 00:02:03,100
You'll be wasting your money.

41
00:02:03,480 --> 00:02:04,840
You don't know that.

42
00:02:05,540 --> 00:02:07,660
I've read about this video dating, Lark.

43
00:02:08,360 --> 00:02:13,000
It removes the unknown quantity of when
you meet a stranger for the first time.

44
00:02:13,180 --> 00:02:14,480
What unknown quantity?

45
00:02:15,020 --> 00:02:16,720
Is he going to look like one of the
Pogues?

46
00:02:18,080 --> 00:02:21,260
Right. All I have to do is polish up me
personality.

47
00:02:22,020 --> 00:02:23,200
Where's Daryl's camcorder?

48
00:02:23,440 --> 00:02:25,120
I sold it ages ago, didn't I?

49
00:02:25,820 --> 00:02:26,860
What'd you do that for?

50
00:02:27,120 --> 00:02:29,340
It was just a mad impulse to be able to
buy food.

51
00:02:31,140 --> 00:02:32,140
Hang about.

52
00:02:32,740 --> 00:02:33,900
Daryl's got one, hasn't she?

53
00:02:34,160 --> 00:02:36,040
I expect so. She's got everything else.

54
00:02:36,600 --> 00:02:38,500
Well, do you reckon she'll film me if I
ask her?

55
00:02:38,760 --> 00:02:42,080
Sharon, that woman would pay for the
chance to film you making a pratty

56
00:02:42,080 --> 00:02:43,080
yourself.

57
00:02:49,230 --> 00:02:50,870
It's a bit on the heavy side, isn't it,
doll?

58
00:02:51,190 --> 00:02:52,270
It's an early model.

59
00:02:52,970 --> 00:02:55,790
Marcus was the first person in Chigwell
to have one, you know.

60
00:02:55,990 --> 00:02:57,530
What, an unfaithful wife?

61
00:02:58,470 --> 00:03:00,330
Tracy, I'm here to do you a favour.

62
00:03:00,630 --> 00:03:03,270
I'm sorry. I just hope I can remember
how it works.

63
00:03:03,590 --> 00:03:06,790
Although I do vaguely recollect the
salesman giving me a dry run.

64
00:03:07,050 --> 00:03:08,050
I'll bet.

65
00:03:08,470 --> 00:03:09,730
It was all so long ago.

66
00:03:10,290 --> 00:03:11,650
I wonder what this button does.

67
00:03:11,910 --> 00:03:14,430
Ah, red lights come on. What does that
mean? You're open for business?

68
00:03:16,090 --> 00:03:17,090
Very droll.

69
00:03:25,380 --> 00:03:26,640
Blimey, it's tomato woman.

70
00:03:29,640 --> 00:03:30,720
Well, what do you think?

71
00:03:31,220 --> 00:03:34,620
I have to say you look very nice,
Sharon, because to tell you the truth

72
00:03:34,620 --> 00:03:35,700
only shatter your confidence.

73
00:03:36,760 --> 00:03:38,400
What on earth have you put that on for?

74
00:03:38,920 --> 00:03:40,760
It's what I'm going to wear down a
dating agency.

75
00:03:41,180 --> 00:03:44,380
I want to make a good impression, don't
I? Can we get on with it, please?

76
00:03:45,060 --> 00:03:46,060
Right.

77
00:03:47,640 --> 00:03:49,680
It'd help if you take the front bit off,
Dor.

78
00:03:51,690 --> 00:03:52,690
Thank you, Sharon.

79
00:03:53,110 --> 00:03:54,110
Right.

80
00:03:57,710 --> 00:03:58,710
Ready?

81
00:03:59,410 --> 00:04:00,410
Yes.

82
00:04:01,050 --> 00:04:02,050
OK.

83
00:04:03,090 --> 00:04:05,030
And... action.

84
00:04:05,570 --> 00:04:10,370
Hello. My name's Sharon, and I'd like to
tell you a bit about myself.

85
00:04:11,450 --> 00:04:15,590
I'm a sexy scorpion, just dying to get
to know you.

86
00:04:16,310 --> 00:04:20,170
I suppose I'd call myself an experienced
catering entrepreneur.

87
00:04:21,039 --> 00:04:25,100
as I've built up a small restaurant
empire since leaving business school.

88
00:04:25,920 --> 00:04:30,660
I've travelled extensively and am fluent
in French. Hang about. Stop, stop,

89
00:04:30,720 --> 00:04:31,720
stop.

90
00:04:32,060 --> 00:04:36,640
I? Tracy, I'm the director and we only
stop when I say so. Well, say so then.

91
00:04:36,740 --> 00:04:37,740
Cut.

92
00:04:38,980 --> 00:04:41,140
What do you think you're doing? I'm just
getting in my stride.

93
00:04:41,800 --> 00:04:45,420
Yeah, I've never heard so many porkies.
An experienced catering entrepreneur.

94
00:04:46,560 --> 00:04:48,080
Well, you've got to build it up a bit,
haven't you?

95
00:04:48,320 --> 00:04:49,760
Yeah, not into McDonald's.

96
00:04:52,060 --> 00:04:54,200
He never even qualified at ordinary
school.

97
00:04:54,460 --> 00:04:56,480
And the only French you're fluent in is
kissing.

98
00:04:57,740 --> 00:04:59,560
Well, it's me mother tongue then, isn't
it?

99
00:05:01,460 --> 00:05:03,700
Oh, it's only a giggle, Trace.

100
00:05:04,000 --> 00:05:06,320
A little bit of exaggeration won't do no
harm.

101
00:05:06,560 --> 00:05:09,880
A little exaggeration? You make the
Sunday sport look like the Bible.

102
00:05:10,760 --> 00:05:14,300
Sharon's right, Tracey. She'd never get
a man if she told the truth. She has to

103
00:05:14,300 --> 00:05:15,340
tell a few white lies.

104
00:05:15,980 --> 00:05:19,120
Look, I don't care as long as it gets me
a bloke that knows the difference

105
00:05:19,120 --> 00:05:20,460
between his sleeve and a handkerchief.

106
00:05:21,360 --> 00:05:22,360
Can we start again, please?

107
00:05:22,480 --> 00:05:23,540
Yes. OK.

108
00:05:23,900 --> 00:05:26,500
We'll tone it down a little bit this
time, all right? All right.

109
00:05:26,740 --> 00:05:27,740
OK.

110
00:05:28,760 --> 00:05:31,300
And... Action.

111
00:05:32,760 --> 00:05:33,760
Hello.

112
00:05:33,980 --> 00:05:35,140
My name's Sharon.

113
00:05:35,740 --> 00:05:37,580
And I'm a Randy Ram.

114
00:05:42,520 --> 00:05:44,020
Well, that's about it, then.

115
00:05:44,380 --> 00:05:48,980
If you fancy me and I fancy you, well,
let's not hang about.

116
00:05:54,570 --> 00:05:55,750
Well, what do you reckon?

117
00:05:57,190 --> 00:05:59,290
Well, you were direct, Sharon. I'll say
that.

118
00:06:00,330 --> 00:06:01,550
But you think I'll pull anyone?

119
00:06:01,830 --> 00:06:03,110
Half a chick, well, I should know that.

120
00:06:05,390 --> 00:06:06,790
Have you got me where you want me?

121
00:06:07,270 --> 00:06:08,370
It's standing up, OK?

122
00:06:08,650 --> 00:06:09,730
Switch it off. Switch it off.

123
00:06:11,050 --> 00:06:14,010
Very impressive. I like a man who can
handle his youth.

124
00:06:16,570 --> 00:06:17,730
Shall I move about a bit?

125
00:06:18,510 --> 00:06:19,510
Whoops.

126
00:06:20,650 --> 00:06:21,870
I think you're going to write that
later.

127
00:06:23,290 --> 00:06:24,630
Dorian, you've got nothing on.

128
00:06:25,130 --> 00:06:26,130
Yes, she has.

129
00:06:26,770 --> 00:06:28,490
She's wearing a wrinkly pink capsule.

130
00:06:30,290 --> 00:06:34,490
Could I have my tape back now that you
have humiliated me? Oh, no way.

131
00:06:35,350 --> 00:06:37,390
This is my rehearsal tape, Dor.

132
00:06:38,250 --> 00:06:40,950
I've got to take it down the video
dating agency. Sharon!

133
00:06:55,760 --> 00:06:58,560
I just wondered, is Sharon back from the
dating agency yet?

134
00:06:58,780 --> 00:07:00,940
No. She's taking her time.

135
00:07:01,220 --> 00:07:04,180
They probably couldn't fit her Pinocchio
nose in the frame.

136
00:07:04,940 --> 00:07:08,220
Hello. My name is Sharon and I'm a lying
Leo.

137
00:07:09,680 --> 00:07:13,840
Only I would like my tape back before
half of Pigwell sees it. You mean the

138
00:07:13,840 --> 00:07:14,840
that hasn't seen it already?

139
00:07:16,300 --> 00:07:18,760
That was just a wind -up. She didn't
really take it with her.

140
00:07:19,400 --> 00:07:23,100
Oh, thank God. Well, where is it? I
don't know. Under the telly, I suppose.

141
00:07:23,400 --> 00:07:24,400
Thank you.

142
00:07:33,200 --> 00:07:34,059
Which one is it?

143
00:07:34,060 --> 00:07:35,760
I don't know. You'll have to put a few
on and check.

144
00:07:36,280 --> 00:07:40,080
What? I've got better things to do than
wade through hundreds of episodes of

145
00:07:40,080 --> 00:07:41,300
Prisma Cell Block H.

146
00:07:41,800 --> 00:07:42,800
Suit yourself.

147
00:07:43,940 --> 00:07:44,940
All right.

148
00:07:45,180 --> 00:07:46,920
Oh, my God. What's with your bulb?

149
00:07:47,380 --> 00:07:50,060
I've only managed to get some tickets
for the Stones next week. The Stones?

150
00:07:50,580 --> 00:07:51,580
Still at it, are they?

151
00:07:52,000 --> 00:07:53,220
Me and your dad saw them once.

152
00:07:53,440 --> 00:07:54,440
Earl's Court 76.

153
00:07:54,680 --> 00:07:57,480
We had brilliant seats. Because your dad
had just finished erecting this

154
00:07:57,480 --> 00:08:00,980
conservatory for one of their roadies.
Yeah? Yeah, and he never got paid for

155
00:08:01,040 --> 00:08:03,340
Because a week later he got nicked for
growing cannabis in it.

156
00:08:04,340 --> 00:08:06,660
I had an experience with the Stones when
I was 16.

157
00:08:07,160 --> 00:08:08,160
What, all of them?

158
00:08:10,700 --> 00:08:14,440
I couldn't get a ticket, so I climbed in
through a window and found myself in

159
00:08:14,440 --> 00:08:15,960
their dressing room. It was quite
exciting.

160
00:08:16,340 --> 00:08:19,700
I think Bill Wyman really fancied me,
but I was probably too young for him.

161
00:08:19,740 --> 00:08:20,740
Probably too old for him.

162
00:08:21,540 --> 00:08:24,580
Yeah, well, it doesn't do my street cred
much good having you wrinklies liking

163
00:08:24,580 --> 00:08:26,660
the stones. Yeah, well, we won't tell if
you won't.

164
00:08:27,020 --> 00:08:28,380
Anyway, where'd you get them tickets
from?

165
00:08:28,700 --> 00:08:30,480
Off this bloke in an office above the
Wimpy.

166
00:08:30,900 --> 00:08:31,980
Only 35 quid.

167
00:08:32,200 --> 00:08:33,200
35 pound?

168
00:08:33,400 --> 00:08:34,400
It's a bargain.

169
00:08:37,980 --> 00:08:38,980
Hello?

170
00:08:39,340 --> 00:08:40,119
Hello, Dave.

171
00:08:40,120 --> 00:08:41,079
Yeah, I got them.

172
00:08:41,080 --> 00:08:42,080
No problem.

173
00:08:42,919 --> 00:08:43,919
Yeah, I'll bring them round.

174
00:08:44,039 --> 00:08:45,040
You tell the others.

175
00:08:46,480 --> 00:08:47,480
50 quid.

176
00:08:48,000 --> 00:08:49,000
Yeah, all right. Bye.

177
00:08:50,920 --> 00:08:52,080
That's entertainment, Mum.

178
00:08:52,420 --> 00:08:53,419
See you later.

179
00:08:53,420 --> 00:08:54,420
Bye.

180
00:08:54,760 --> 00:08:57,080
Oh, I don't know. He gets more like his
dad every day.

181
00:08:57,440 --> 00:08:58,820
On the contrary, Tracy.

182
00:08:59,240 --> 00:09:02,780
He'll be putting money into building
societies rather than holding them up.

183
00:09:04,160 --> 00:09:06,180
Bye. Oh, Goldie, she comes.

184
00:09:06,440 --> 00:09:08,360
Sex spies and videotapes.

185
00:09:09,760 --> 00:09:11,420
Talking of which, where is my tape?

186
00:09:11,700 --> 00:09:12,700
Oh, it's under there somewhere.

187
00:09:12,860 --> 00:09:15,260
Well, how'd you get on? It was dead
easy.

188
00:09:16,000 --> 00:09:19,520
I walked into this room, right? They
give me a glass of wine. Then we chatted

189
00:09:19,520 --> 00:09:21,660
for a little bit. Then they give me
another glass of wine.

190
00:09:21,960 --> 00:09:24,840
And then I just sat there. And fell off
the stool?

191
00:09:26,300 --> 00:09:27,560
Talking into the video.

192
00:09:28,020 --> 00:09:30,800
They've already given me tape for two
blokes they think I might be compatible

193
00:09:30,800 --> 00:09:31,800
with.

194
00:09:34,680 --> 00:09:36,880
Hi. My name's Mike and I'm 35.

195
00:09:37,340 --> 00:09:38,640
Let me tell you a bit about myself.

196
00:09:39,100 --> 00:09:41,260
Round here, they call me the Chickwell
Mover.

197
00:09:41,780 --> 00:09:43,120
Probably works for Pickford's.

198
00:09:44,780 --> 00:09:47,860
big in the leisure industry. Now, that
means I've got plenty of cash to splash

199
00:09:47,860 --> 00:09:48,900
on the roll. A chick?

200
00:09:49,400 --> 00:09:52,260
Chick? You can't go out with someone who
calls you a chick.

201
00:09:52,580 --> 00:09:56,060
She'd be about my age, have her own
business, perhaps, and be independent.

202
00:09:56,540 --> 00:10:00,640
Now, I am much more interested in
personality and character than in looks.

203
00:10:00,660 --> 00:10:02,300
you're in luck, Sharon. He doesn't care
about looks.

204
00:10:04,820 --> 00:10:06,660
So, I look forward to meeting you.

205
00:10:07,360 --> 00:10:08,360
Ciao for now, babe.

206
00:10:08,480 --> 00:10:09,480
Oh.

207
00:10:11,620 --> 00:10:12,700
Well, he seemed all right.

208
00:10:13,080 --> 00:10:14,740
What? The man's a right gonk.

209
00:10:15,500 --> 00:10:16,640
Well, he had a nice smile.

210
00:10:16,880 --> 00:10:18,180
He was so as Hannibal Lecter.

211
00:10:19,100 --> 00:10:22,800
If you ask me, the man's a gigolo. Oh,
take it from me, Tracy. He's nothing

212
00:10:22,800 --> 00:10:23,619
a gigolo.

213
00:10:23,620 --> 00:10:26,240
Yeah, well, I like him. And it's me
we're talking about.

214
00:10:26,620 --> 00:10:27,620
Spung the other one on.

215
00:10:28,000 --> 00:10:29,700
It's quite exciting, really, isn't it?

216
00:10:30,060 --> 00:10:32,960
A bit like a Chippendale show. You never
know what's going to pop up next.

217
00:10:34,940 --> 00:10:35,940
The name's Bond.

218
00:10:37,100 --> 00:10:38,099
James Bond.

219
00:10:38,100 --> 00:10:40,160
Oh, my God, he's a nutter.

220
00:10:40,640 --> 00:10:41,619
I know.

221
00:10:41,620 --> 00:10:42,620
I know.

222
00:10:42,720 --> 00:10:46,800
You're probably thinking, this guy's a
nutter. That really is my name.

223
00:10:47,240 --> 00:10:48,980
Blame my folks.

224
00:10:50,200 --> 00:10:52,240
Anyway, I work as a flying instructor.

225
00:10:52,500 --> 00:10:56,800
Oh, likely. I wouldn't mind lowering his
undercarriage.

226
00:10:57,500 --> 00:10:59,580
Yeah, he was a bit of all right, wasn't
he?

227
00:10:59,800 --> 00:11:02,900
What would your dad say if he knew you
were ogling him? There's nothing wrong

228
00:11:02,900 --> 00:11:04,980
with window shopping, as long as you
don't open your purse.

229
00:11:05,720 --> 00:11:09,580
Well, he's better looking than the other
bloke, granted, but still a bit of a

230
00:11:09,580 --> 00:11:10,700
hooray Henry, weren't he?

231
00:11:11,070 --> 00:11:13,490
Well, it'd be a change for you, Sharon,
to go out with a man who doesn't eat his

232
00:11:13,490 --> 00:11:14,490
peas off his knife.

233
00:11:15,130 --> 00:11:16,650
You wanted someone classy.

234
00:11:16,890 --> 00:11:19,290
You never know, you might be right up
his runway.

235
00:11:20,250 --> 00:11:22,490
Well, it's not very likely, is it?

236
00:11:22,990 --> 00:11:24,430
No, I prefer Mike.

237
00:11:24,670 --> 00:11:25,790
He's more dance -worth.

238
00:11:30,730 --> 00:11:31,730
Hello?

239
00:11:36,050 --> 00:11:37,050
Who?

240
00:11:41,610 --> 00:11:42,610
This is she.

241
00:11:44,170 --> 00:11:46,610
Have you seen my tape?

242
00:11:48,630 --> 00:11:49,730
You didn't.

243
00:11:50,890 --> 00:11:51,890
You did.

244
00:11:53,490 --> 00:11:54,990
You didn't.

245
00:11:55,550 --> 00:11:56,630
You're joking.

246
00:11:58,550 --> 00:11:59,650
Oh, that's great.

247
00:12:00,790 --> 00:12:02,390
Yeah. Yeah, all right then.

248
00:12:02,930 --> 00:12:03,930
Bye.

249
00:12:04,590 --> 00:12:05,590
Wrong number.

250
00:12:06,470 --> 00:12:08,270
That was Mike.

251
00:12:08,530 --> 00:12:11,290
No. And we are hitting the town
tomorrow.

252
00:12:11,650 --> 00:12:12,650
What, Camden Town?

253
00:12:13,930 --> 00:12:17,130
Why do you have to be so negative,
Trace? Because you could do better.

254
00:12:18,130 --> 00:12:20,230
You ain't still on about biggles, are
you?

255
00:12:21,470 --> 00:12:22,449
You know what?

256
00:12:22,450 --> 00:12:24,290
I reckon you fancy him yourself.

257
00:12:24,770 --> 00:12:28,670
And as you can't touch, you want me to
go out with him so you can grab yourself

258
00:12:28,670 --> 00:12:29,670
a second -hand thrill.

259
00:12:30,110 --> 00:12:32,310
No. I just think he's got nice eyes.

260
00:12:32,910 --> 00:12:34,110
Oh, yeah, you've got two of them.

261
00:12:35,650 --> 00:12:37,370
Anyway, that mic's all right, Wally.

262
00:12:39,080 --> 00:12:40,860
and he looks like you're Daryl from
certain angles.

263
00:12:41,800 --> 00:12:43,300
Anyway, where's he taking you?

264
00:12:43,640 --> 00:12:44,640
Now, let me guess.

265
00:12:44,960 --> 00:12:48,500
A pint up the crayon, a quick curry, and
then back to his place to inspect the

266
00:12:48,500 --> 00:12:49,500
cracks in the ceiling.

267
00:12:50,880 --> 00:12:53,780
He's taking me to see the stones,
actually.

268
00:12:54,500 --> 00:12:56,100
And he's got backstage passes.

269
00:12:56,740 --> 00:12:58,440
He'll go off, he'll be green, won't he?

270
00:12:59,080 --> 00:13:00,220
Here, Trace, what am I going to wear?

271
00:13:01,000 --> 00:13:02,240
Don't want to clash with Jerry Hall.

272
00:13:05,540 --> 00:13:06,920
More like the Albert Hall.

273
00:13:23,619 --> 00:13:26,520
I'm looking for a flying instructor
called James Bond.

274
00:14:04,680 --> 00:14:05,339
Thanks, all right.

275
00:14:05,340 --> 00:14:06,340
Which one?

276
00:14:07,060 --> 00:14:09,120
The one over there in that kilt. Talk to
the trainer.

277
00:14:10,260 --> 00:14:11,400
I mean, Bob Keltoff.

278
00:14:12,720 --> 00:14:15,240
You'll see a lot more stars before the
night's out, Sharon, believe me.

279
00:14:15,700 --> 00:14:16,700
Oh, hi, Rod.

280
00:14:17,660 --> 00:14:18,680
Is that Rod Stewart?

281
00:14:19,460 --> 00:14:22,820
No, no, it's Rod Cartwright. He's got
the ice cream concession. All right.

282
00:14:23,800 --> 00:14:24,800
What's that?

283
00:14:24,830 --> 00:14:25,850
No, don't tell me.

284
00:14:26,630 --> 00:14:29,410
It's what the stones change into when
they come off the safe, right?

285
00:14:30,310 --> 00:14:33,330
Do you think we're actually going to
meet them? Oh, every chance, doll, every

286
00:14:33,330 --> 00:14:37,250
chance. You saw me give my business card
to that security man. Well, once Keith

287
00:14:37,250 --> 00:14:40,850
knows that I'm here, well, put it this
way, I hope you like drinking Jack

288
00:14:40,850 --> 00:14:41,850
Daniels.

289
00:14:42,350 --> 00:14:43,610
I can't believe I'm here.

290
00:14:44,310 --> 00:14:47,330
Yeah, they all know me here, Sharon. I
mean, when you come out with me, you

291
00:14:47,330 --> 00:14:48,330
Walter Walser lives.

292
00:14:49,130 --> 00:14:51,250
Usually when I go out for a bloke, I
make Walter Walser drunks.

293
00:14:55,040 --> 00:14:57,660
It's funny, you know, but my
girlfriend's out there somewhere.

294
00:14:58,120 --> 00:14:59,600
Sitting with the plebs, of course.

295
00:14:59,880 --> 00:15:02,920
Well, they don't just let anyone
backstage, Sharon. You've got to be in

296
00:15:03,640 --> 00:15:04,920
Here, do you fancy something to eat?

297
00:15:05,780 --> 00:15:08,040
Nah, those hot dogs look a bit dodgy.

298
00:15:08,420 --> 00:15:09,440
Like they're rabies.

299
00:15:10,400 --> 00:15:12,780
No, the catering's all laid on, dog.
It's top stuff.

300
00:15:13,240 --> 00:15:17,600
Yeah, I remember once at this Bowie gig,
they flew in all this exotic seafood

301
00:15:17,600 --> 00:15:21,100
from around the world, served up by
these really sexy waitresses. It was

302
00:15:21,380 --> 00:15:22,380
I had the crabs.

303
00:15:24,570 --> 00:15:26,010
Hey, look at that spread, Sharon.

304
00:15:26,890 --> 00:15:29,070
Yeah, she should know better at her age.

305
00:15:29,570 --> 00:15:30,750
No, no, no, no, the buffet.

306
00:15:31,470 --> 00:15:32,470
They've got a lot in there.

307
00:15:33,270 --> 00:15:35,490
Champagne, lobsters, hot noodles.

308
00:15:36,430 --> 00:15:38,170
You know, this is what we should get
into.

309
00:15:38,790 --> 00:15:42,830
With your expertise in the catering
business and my rock and roll context,

310
00:15:42,830 --> 00:15:43,830
could clean up.

311
00:15:47,490 --> 00:15:48,490
Probably have to.

312
00:15:49,850 --> 00:15:52,130
Well, come on then, let's get stuck in.
I'm starving.

313
00:15:52,410 --> 00:15:53,410
Right.

314
00:16:05,150 --> 00:16:08,390
problems. Yes, these passes, they don't
seem to permit us to go in there.

315
00:16:09,090 --> 00:16:10,090
Pippin' cheek.

316
00:16:10,230 --> 00:16:12,870
Can you go back and tell him that you
know Keith Richard personally?

317
00:16:13,470 --> 00:16:16,490
No, no, no, it's not worth the ad. Well,
they'll be on stage soon anyway.

318
00:16:16,910 --> 00:16:17,749
Oh, right.

319
00:16:17,750 --> 00:16:18,830
Let's take our seats then, eh?

320
00:16:19,150 --> 00:16:23,190
Oh, yeah, right. Where are we? Front
row? Well, we'll be even nearer than

321
00:16:23,690 --> 00:16:26,150
Because usually at these bashes you're
about three miles away, ain't you?

322
00:16:26,370 --> 00:16:28,090
Might as well be the Mike Sam singers up
there.

323
00:16:28,830 --> 00:16:32,570
Come on then, let's go. You know what,
wait, the thing is, Sharon, well, this

324
00:16:32,570 --> 00:16:34,210
it. This is where it's at.

325
00:16:35,390 --> 00:16:36,390
What do you mean?

326
00:16:36,610 --> 00:16:41,310
Well, when I said I had backstage
passes, that's exactly what I meant.

327
00:16:45,410 --> 00:16:52,370
Good evening, Mr

328
00:16:52,370 --> 00:16:53,370
Bond.

329
00:16:54,370 --> 00:17:00,010
Look, if you want to book some flying
lessons, you have to pass... The parcel?

330
00:17:00,350 --> 00:17:01,350
No.

331
00:17:01,710 --> 00:17:04,150
Pass your name on to the flying club.
It's the rules, I'm afraid.

332
00:17:04,430 --> 00:17:06,030
Well, actually, I don't want flying
lessons.

333
00:17:06,730 --> 00:17:07,730
Oh, what then?

334
00:17:07,970 --> 00:17:11,170
My name's Tracy Stubbs. I saw the dating
video you did for Love Match.

335
00:17:11,490 --> 00:17:12,869
But how did you know where I worked?

336
00:17:13,630 --> 00:17:17,510
The agency shouldn't release that
information. I call that pretty bad

337
00:17:17,790 --> 00:17:20,450
They didn't. I did a spot detective work
on my own.

338
00:17:20,910 --> 00:17:21,910
Oh, I see.

339
00:17:23,069 --> 00:17:24,069
Please.

340
00:17:26,170 --> 00:17:28,349
Well, you don't...

341
00:17:28,720 --> 00:17:29,880
hang about, do you, Tracy?

342
00:17:30,140 --> 00:17:33,300
Oh, it's not for me. It's for my sister,
Sharon. She's the one that joined the

343
00:17:33,300 --> 00:17:37,040
agency. You see, I think she fancies you
a bit, but she's a bit shy about

344
00:17:37,040 --> 00:17:37,759
meeting you.

345
00:17:37,760 --> 00:17:38,760
I know how she feels.

346
00:17:39,080 --> 00:17:41,820
Get a bit tongue -tied myself.

347
00:17:42,340 --> 00:17:43,620
Yeah, well, she doesn't have that
problem.

348
00:17:44,360 --> 00:17:47,380
Anyway, I brought this video along of
her. I wondered if you'd take her

349
00:17:47,380 --> 00:17:47,839
at it.

350
00:17:47,840 --> 00:17:48,840
Of course.

351
00:17:49,540 --> 00:17:54,400
But if she's anything like you, Tracy,
I'll take... Take... Her out to dinner?

352
00:17:54,740 --> 00:17:55,740
No.

353
00:17:55,880 --> 00:17:56,880
Take her as Red.

354
00:17:57,600 --> 00:18:00,660
Well, have a look at the tape and see
what you think of her. If you like the

355
00:18:00,660 --> 00:18:02,360
look of her, give her a ring. The
number's on the label.

356
00:18:03,440 --> 00:18:04,560
I'll look at it when I get home.

357
00:18:05,480 --> 00:18:08,260
But I'd just as soon ring this number
and ask you out, Tracy.

358
00:18:09,340 --> 00:18:11,360
You know what they say about a bird in
the hand?

359
00:18:11,680 --> 00:18:13,400
You know what they say about a smack in
the mouth?

360
00:18:15,260 --> 00:18:16,540
Sorry, no offence, mate.

361
00:18:17,800 --> 00:18:19,200
I'm not very good at handling women.

362
00:18:19,420 --> 00:18:20,420
Well, that's your first mistake.

363
00:18:20,800 --> 00:18:22,640
You don't handle them until they say you
can.

364
00:18:23,180 --> 00:18:24,740
Permission granted, that sort of thing?
Yeah.

365
00:18:25,610 --> 00:18:26,610
Look, take it easy.

366
00:18:26,810 --> 00:18:29,430
You're a nice bloke. The right girl will
come along eventually.

367
00:18:29,870 --> 00:18:31,910
Who knows? Could even be my sister.

368
00:18:32,230 --> 00:18:33,230
I hope so.

369
00:18:33,670 --> 00:18:37,030
All the other chaps here are going...
going... Gone?

370
00:18:38,310 --> 00:18:40,370
No, going steady or married.

371
00:18:41,930 --> 00:18:42,930
Can't wait to see this.

372
00:18:43,510 --> 00:18:46,570
I've got a feeling Sharon's going to
knock, knock, knock me out.

373
00:18:46,870 --> 00:18:49,250
Yeah, well, when she finds out I've been
here, that'll make two of us.

374
00:18:55,400 --> 00:18:56,520
I hoped you might be in.

375
00:18:56,760 --> 00:18:57,760
What do you want?

376
00:18:58,160 --> 00:18:59,160
Company.

377
00:18:59,540 --> 00:19:00,540
I'm bored.

378
00:19:01,760 --> 00:19:03,660
Marcus has brought a mountain of work
home.

379
00:19:03,880 --> 00:19:05,300
Totally incommunicado.

380
00:19:06,080 --> 00:19:08,940
There's nothing on the television, and
my facial sauna's on the blink.

381
00:19:09,340 --> 00:19:10,820
I'll bet you'll fly him in the wall's
door.

382
00:19:11,500 --> 00:19:12,500
Shall I go on, then?

383
00:19:12,620 --> 00:19:16,540
Yeah. Oh, and gunk features are mingling
with the stars at Wembley. Well, at

384
00:19:16,540 --> 00:19:18,120
least she's got herself a man for the
evening.

385
00:19:19,420 --> 00:19:22,980
Although, I must say, I don't approve of
the way she picked him up. She didn't

386
00:19:22,980 --> 00:19:24,500
pick him up. She picked him out.

387
00:19:25,429 --> 00:19:28,310
Anyway, if you're so fed up, why don't
you join the dating agency?

388
00:19:28,710 --> 00:19:30,490
Then you won't have to come round here
to be bored.

389
00:19:31,210 --> 00:19:35,150
Tracy, only women who have difficulty
attracting men go to those sort of

390
00:19:35,410 --> 00:19:36,950
It smacks of inadequacy.

391
00:19:37,150 --> 00:19:38,170
What? It's true.

392
00:19:38,630 --> 00:19:42,390
The day I go to a dating agency is the
day I swap my suspender belt for support

393
00:19:42,390 --> 00:19:44,570
hose. Sharon's got no natural sex
appeal.

394
00:19:45,090 --> 00:19:48,230
Sharon's got sex appeal? Well, obviously
not enough if she has to use the

395
00:19:48,230 --> 00:19:49,230
services of Love Match.

396
00:19:49,690 --> 00:19:50,690
Look who's talking.

397
00:19:50,710 --> 00:19:54,410
Here we are on a Saturday night while
Sharon's out raving it up with some

398
00:19:54,410 --> 00:19:56,950
and you're sitting here all hormoned up
with nowhere to go.

399
00:19:57,210 --> 00:19:58,210
All right.

400
00:19:58,430 --> 00:19:59,870
All right, don't rub it in.

401
00:20:00,090 --> 00:20:02,150
The big mystery is what she sees in him.

402
00:20:02,710 --> 00:20:04,110
Well, his cavalier attitude.

403
00:20:04,670 --> 00:20:07,950
His casual approach to life. That's what
turns Sharon on.

404
00:20:08,170 --> 00:20:09,630
She never takes anything seriously.

405
00:20:10,090 --> 00:20:14,890
Her relationships with men, when she can
get one, are always, well, shallow.

406
00:20:15,680 --> 00:20:18,480
Ark of the woman who walks round with a
mattress strapped to her back in case

407
00:20:18,480 --> 00:20:19,480
she meets anyone she's fancy.

408
00:20:21,060 --> 00:20:25,640
All I'm saying is that she takes things
at face value, as long as there's more

409
00:20:25,640 --> 00:20:27,380
Bruce Willis than Bruce Forsythe is in.

410
00:20:28,600 --> 00:20:31,000
Look, I want her to be happy, but not
with him.

411
00:20:31,200 --> 00:20:33,020
She's already made one mistake with
Chris.

412
00:20:33,280 --> 00:20:34,880
I know she can do better for herself.

413
00:20:35,580 --> 00:20:39,020
I mean, what happens if she has to get
serious with him? She's still married.

414
00:20:39,320 --> 00:20:42,120
Tracy, they've only been on one date,
for God's sake.

415
00:20:42,480 --> 00:20:44,100
They're hardly going to name the day.

416
00:20:45,050 --> 00:20:45,849
I suppose not.

417
00:20:45,850 --> 00:20:47,170
That Mike's such a wally.

418
00:20:47,830 --> 00:20:51,450
Anyway, if I know Sharon, she's probably
already had him up to here. You think

419
00:20:51,450 --> 00:20:52,450
so?

420
00:20:52,530 --> 00:20:53,550
Lucky old Sharon.

421
00:20:59,730 --> 00:21:00,730
Trice!

422
00:21:03,110 --> 00:21:04,089
Mask on the bed.

423
00:21:04,090 --> 00:21:05,090
Oh.

424
00:21:05,490 --> 00:21:07,210
Boy, this is some drum, Sharon.

425
00:21:08,910 --> 00:21:10,150
Reminds me of Elvis's gaff.

426
00:21:11,150 --> 00:21:13,450
This would be a great address for our
business, you know.

427
00:21:14,000 --> 00:21:15,800
Well, let's not run before we can walk,
eh?

428
00:21:16,180 --> 00:21:17,180
Yeah, right.

429
00:21:17,760 --> 00:21:20,200
Well, that was some gig, wasn't it?

430
00:21:20,820 --> 00:21:22,220
Well, it sounded pretty good, yeah.

431
00:21:23,600 --> 00:21:24,600
I ain't complaining.

432
00:21:25,100 --> 00:21:29,360
I mean, how many people get a sweaty
towel bunged at them by Mick Jagger, eh?

433
00:21:29,520 --> 00:21:32,760
Yeah, you want to hang on to that, doll.
Be worth a fortune one day. Rock and

434
00:21:32,760 --> 00:21:33,980
roll memorabilia's where it's at.

435
00:21:34,240 --> 00:21:36,600
Michael Jackson's old face comes up at
Sotheby's next week.

436
00:21:40,460 --> 00:21:41,780
Oh, sorry, Aunt Shell.

437
00:21:42,670 --> 00:21:43,730
I'd be daft.

438
00:21:44,090 --> 00:21:46,190
Mike, this is me nephew, Garth.

439
00:21:47,030 --> 00:21:50,490
Hi, Garth. I don't believe it. It's the
Wimpy Bar kick.

440
00:21:51,130 --> 00:21:53,110
Hang a bear, hang a bear. What's going
on?

441
00:21:53,350 --> 00:21:55,430
This is the geezer who sold me my Stones
tickets.

442
00:21:55,710 --> 00:21:56,710
What, you didn't like the seats?

443
00:21:56,790 --> 00:22:00,550
We never got in. Because your tickets
were about as genuine as Elton John's

444
00:22:00,550 --> 00:22:02,290
hair. What do you mean?

445
00:22:02,610 --> 00:22:03,710
The tickets were forgeries.

446
00:22:04,110 --> 00:22:07,050
My mates are livid and I'm out of pocket
to 140 quid.

447
00:22:07,750 --> 00:22:09,290
Well, that's ironic, isn't it?

448
00:22:09,870 --> 00:22:13,530
Mike sells your dad tickets over the top
prices, and then you flog them onto

449
00:22:13,530 --> 00:22:14,449
your mates.

450
00:22:14,450 --> 00:22:16,770
How much do you charge them, Garth? 50
quid each?

451
00:22:17,010 --> 00:22:18,170
Here, look, look, look. All right.

452
00:22:18,450 --> 00:22:19,450
Here.

453
00:22:19,890 --> 00:22:20,990
Here's your money back, right?

454
00:22:21,390 --> 00:22:22,129
And here.

455
00:22:22,130 --> 00:22:23,730
Four tickets for Guns N' Roses.

456
00:22:25,210 --> 00:22:26,210
They're for Amsterdam.

457
00:22:27,130 --> 00:22:29,110
I'll give you a good price on the coach
going over.

458
00:22:29,750 --> 00:22:30,750
Stuff it.

459
00:22:31,370 --> 00:22:35,550
Look, I'm sorry, Sharon. If I'd known he
was your nephew, I'd... Forget it,

460
00:22:35,570 --> 00:22:36,570
forget it.

461
00:22:36,680 --> 00:22:39,040
It's been a great day, Mike. I've really
enjoyed myself.

462
00:22:39,320 --> 00:22:40,480
Oh, good.

463
00:22:44,020 --> 00:22:45,020
What's the matter?

464
00:22:45,320 --> 00:22:46,720
Oh, I know, you don't like the growth.

465
00:22:47,280 --> 00:22:48,280
I hate the growth.

466
00:22:48,380 --> 00:22:49,380
What a stubble.

467
00:22:50,400 --> 00:22:51,400
Well, what then?

468
00:22:51,460 --> 00:22:54,040
I thought that would be the perfect end
to a perfect day.

469
00:22:54,240 --> 00:22:56,020
Yeah, well, another day perhaps, Mike,
eh?

470
00:22:56,460 --> 00:22:59,000
I've got another nine blokes to meet on
Love Match, eh?

471
00:22:59,280 --> 00:23:00,280
Eh?

472
00:23:00,820 --> 00:23:02,440
I've got to get me money's worth,
haven't I, mate?

473
00:23:02,820 --> 00:23:03,820
There you go, then.

474
00:23:10,290 --> 00:23:11,450
Do you think you'll see him again?

475
00:23:11,990 --> 00:23:12,909
I doubt it.

476
00:23:12,910 --> 00:23:14,050
He's too frightened to go off.

477
00:23:15,650 --> 00:23:17,290
Actually, Cheryl, there's something I
want to tell you.

478
00:23:17,890 --> 00:23:18,890
Yeah, what?

479
00:23:19,730 --> 00:23:22,410
Now, don't go mad, but I've been to see
that flying instructor.

480
00:23:24,170 --> 00:23:26,190
Tracy Stubbs, you little flirt!

481
00:23:27,570 --> 00:23:28,570
Yeah, I'll tell you what.

482
00:23:28,710 --> 00:23:31,890
Put the house and the car in my name and
your Daryl will be none the wiser.

483
00:23:32,270 --> 00:23:33,410
Not for me, for you.

484
00:23:33,870 --> 00:23:35,350
I gave him your practice tape.

485
00:23:36,200 --> 00:23:37,200
You what?

486
00:23:37,360 --> 00:23:40,860
I just thought he was too dishy to pass
that. He was all right as it happened,

487
00:23:41,000 --> 00:23:42,940
just a bit nervous and inexperienced.

488
00:23:43,300 --> 00:23:44,620
I don't believe this.

489
00:23:44,920 --> 00:23:47,040
He's not as stuck up as you think,
Sharon. Just lonely.

490
00:23:48,460 --> 00:23:50,420
Really? That'd be him, Jimmy.

491
00:23:50,860 --> 00:23:54,900
What? I told him this was the best time
to catch her before you go off for

492
00:23:54,900 --> 00:23:57,460
another day running your busy
international catering empire.

493
00:24:00,500 --> 00:24:01,740
Well, I didn't answer it.

494
00:24:02,080 --> 00:24:03,080
Go on.

495
00:24:03,160 --> 00:24:04,280
No! Oh!

496
00:24:09,000 --> 00:24:10,240
Hello? Hello, Jimmy.

497
00:24:10,860 --> 00:24:11,860
Yes, she is.

498
00:24:13,360 --> 00:24:14,520
It's for you, money penny.

499
00:24:18,680 --> 00:24:19,680
Hello?

500
00:24:20,140 --> 00:24:22,680
Hello. Is that Sharon?

501
00:24:23,880 --> 00:24:24,880
Yeah.

502
00:24:25,200 --> 00:24:26,200
Jimmy Bond here.

503
00:24:26,780 --> 00:24:31,640
Look, I've seen your tape, and I hope
you won't mind when I say that you make

504
00:24:31,640 --> 00:24:35,340
feel... feel... Sick?

505
00:24:38,120 --> 00:24:39,700
I feel extremely attracted to you.

506
00:24:40,440 --> 00:24:44,320
And I was wondering if I could possibly
take you out to dinner tonight.

507
00:24:45,420 --> 00:24:46,420
Dinner?

508
00:24:46,980 --> 00:24:47,980
Yeah.

509
00:24:48,940 --> 00:24:49,940
Great.

510
00:24:50,260 --> 00:24:53,080
Look, why don't I pick you up at... 7
.30?

511
00:24:53,340 --> 00:24:54,380
7 .30, right.

512
00:24:54,840 --> 00:24:59,120
Oh, do you like French... French...
Dressing?

513
00:25:00,080 --> 00:25:01,680
No, French food.

514
00:25:02,040 --> 00:25:04,080
I thought we could pop over to Le
Touquet.

515
00:25:04,840 --> 00:25:05,840
Le Touquet?

516
00:25:06,020 --> 00:25:07,980
Is that the restaurant? opposite the bus
station?

517
00:25:09,180 --> 00:25:11,760
No, it's the French resort opposite
Eastbourne.

518
00:25:13,160 --> 00:25:14,160
Oh, great.

519
00:25:14,400 --> 00:25:15,400
All right, then, bye.

520
00:25:16,700 --> 00:25:17,800
Well, what did he say?

521
00:25:18,480 --> 00:25:19,780
He's taken me to dinner.

522
00:25:20,940 --> 00:25:22,100
Have you seen my passport?

523
00:25:22,480 --> 00:25:23,900
Why? Go and surf for the river.

524
00:25:27,360 --> 00:25:28,440
Be here any minute.

525
00:25:29,220 --> 00:25:31,000
Probably pull up in an Aston Martin.

526
00:25:31,400 --> 00:25:32,720
Oh, it's him!

527
00:25:35,680 --> 00:25:36,740
The name's...

528
00:25:39,330 --> 00:25:41,570
Theodopolopolis. Sharon Theodopolopolis.

529
00:25:42,650 --> 00:25:43,950
Licence to thrill.

530
00:25:45,670 --> 00:25:46,910
It's pussy galore.

531
00:25:49,490 --> 00:25:51,210
Well, I'm glad I caught you, Sharon.

532
00:25:51,650 --> 00:25:54,450
I thought you might like to wear this.

533
00:25:55,210 --> 00:25:56,350
They like to wear sunglasses.

534
00:25:57,150 --> 00:26:00,030
If you are going flying, Sharon, you've
got to look the part.

535
00:26:00,270 --> 00:26:02,170
Something aeronautic is essential.

536
00:26:02,570 --> 00:26:05,310
She'll be aeronautical, right. She'll
look like a giant windsock.

537
00:26:08,449 --> 00:26:09,830
Keep me warm in the cockpit.

538
00:26:10,350 --> 00:26:13,170
There are better ways to keep warm in a
cockpit, believe me.

539
00:26:13,570 --> 00:26:14,570
Oh, yeah?

540
00:26:14,630 --> 00:26:15,469
Such as?

541
00:26:15,470 --> 00:26:18,150
Oh, yeah, there'll be none of that.
You'll need both his hands free for his

542
00:26:18,150 --> 00:26:19,150
joystick.

543
00:26:20,150 --> 00:26:21,150
I'll get it.

544
00:26:22,530 --> 00:26:26,290
I'm warning you, Dore. If he makes one
crack about me looking like Tango Man,

545
00:26:26,350 --> 00:26:27,350
I'll throttle you.

546
00:26:29,010 --> 00:26:31,910
Jimmy, I want you to meet my sister,
Sharon.

547
00:26:33,810 --> 00:26:34,950
This is a great...

548
00:26:36,450 --> 00:26:37,710
Great pleasure for me.

549
00:26:42,270 --> 00:26:43,270
Is it?

550
00:26:44,130 --> 00:26:49,850
From the moment I saw you on this tape,
I felt this strong sensation growing

551
00:26:49,850 --> 00:26:50,850
inside me.

552
00:26:51,390 --> 00:26:57,470
I felt it absolutely, absolutely... Tell
me about it later.

553
00:26:58,350 --> 00:26:59,289
Come on.

554
00:26:59,290 --> 00:27:00,470
Your plane awaits you.

555
00:27:10,760 --> 00:27:11,760
Now what do we do?

556
00:27:13,020 --> 00:27:14,220
We could always watch a video.

557
00:27:14,270 --> 00:27:18,820
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